Aging

Today, I am saddened by the thought of Tom Hanks and Phil Collins' aging. I think they look like each other and I like them both very much. I don't want them to weaken or die anytime soon. I don't wanna see them age. I want them to look forties all the time.

I admire both of them very much. I don't know if they're good people in real life, I simply like them. As I watched Phil Collins on a youtube video, singing "Against All Odds" in a 1984 concert and then in a 2005 or 2006 concert, I felt a lump in my throat. It was painful to watch him sing full of effort! He is still great but not that great anymore. He has, undeniably, changed!

I don't really understand why I'm feeling down all of a sudden. All I can think is "I don't want this person to wither."

It is really heartbreaking that people never stay where they are. They always have to go some place else. They are not only constantly changing but are also aging. I feel that as I age, I go one step closer to the exit, to the end. I don't feel relieved at all that I am heading towards the sure end of a tiring journey. I just feel more and more isolated from people 'coz I know that when I reach where I'm going, I won't feel them and they won't feel me anymore. Certainly, they will forget that I was once with them and that we were once happy together.

I am a fool to worry about my being a passing thing. I am passing. We all are.

Ang Pasko ni Santa

I know it's weird to talk about Christmas in June. It's just that I am suddenly reminded of my childhood Christmas when, just now, someone recited the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song. It was the theme song of my favorite morning cartoon back in the 90s. I remember, I would watch it while waiting for my school service. I loved that cartoon even if I can't remember the story anymore. All I can recall is Santa Claus with this group of happy children celebrating the holiday season. Oh how I miss being a child!

Anyway, here's the lyrics of Ang Pasko ni Santa:

Sino nga ba s'yang nakasuot pula

Hila ng mga usa

Puti ang balbas nya

Sya'y mataba

Lahat ng bata ay naghihintay sa kanya

Namimigay s'ya ng mga regalo

Tuwing sasapit ang araw ng Pasko

Mula sa araw na ito

Maghihintay kami sayo

Saan ka ba nagmumula

Sana kami doo'y isama mo

Nais namin makita

Kung pano ginagawa

Mga regalong pinamimigay mo

Nais nami'y

Laruan, libro, damit na pamasko!

What a lovely song!

"Inconvenient Truth"

What do most people blog about?

Suddenly, I wonder what about life interests us most. What about it that we find worth-sharing? Is it a recent career move? Death? Recent Trip? Politics? Championship? Gossip? New found Love? Heartbreak? Beauty finds? Spiritual knowledge, discovery or realization? Addiction? Friendship? Family? Anger? Sorrow? Knowledge? Trivia? Myth? Celebrities? Memories? The Unexplained? Planned Change?

Or may be a mix of all.

In my case, I think I created an image of a lone and lonely person. Since i started this "blog" I've talked more about desperate attempts to change, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. I have never written any happy thoughts. Even now, as I'm typing this entry, I cannot find anything positive and happy to share.

I live a semi-solitary life. Maybe, that's the simplest explanation why I seem gloomy here most of the time. The things I share here are my purest and sincerest thoughts. In real life, I have never talked about them to anyone before. This blogging site is the depository of anything heavy to keep inside me.

As much as I want to change the theme today, I can't. Still no happy thoughts to write about. I wonder if there are those who waste their time reading this. I am not a blogger and I am not aspiring to be one. I know that I don't write well, even if I love books. I write not because I have readers; I write 'cause I have none.

Anyway, ever had that feeling when you want and can actually change things and but you simply wont because that change is inconvenient? These are the instances when convenience appeals to us more than the necessity, rightfulness and future benefits of the desired change. I'm into one right now. A number of times, I have resolved to do the right thing for my future. Many times, I have failed to put that resolve in practice. I don't know why I am so stubborn in protecting my future from the threats of today. I know what to do, how to do it, why do it, but I simply fail each attempt to make the necessary things happen. I am so weak. I am too busy to be inconvenienced.

What do you do when you are your own problem and solution and you want to remain unsolved because it's convenient that way?

Weekend

I'm back in Manila after an overnight getaway in Tagaytay. Nothing worth blogging about it actually.

Another week ahead. Honestly, I don't want to make a habit of counting the days before and after weekends. It's not a good practice since I know for a fact that days won't end unless I become a professional bum or dead. I want a motivated life. I want to develop an attitude where I wait and pray for the beginning of the day and not the end of it.

Let's wait and see if I can do that. Tonight, I just want to finish whatever it is that I have to do. And then I'll sleep and hopefully I'll wake-up changed! :)

Wedding Bells

I've never dreamed of getting married, more so, of having my own family. I can't imagine myself (mis)guiding and shaping the life of another person.

I've been in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't consider himself a family guy. He hates children but he thinks he can manage to have his own family soon. Well, not so soon actually. He wants to marry late, maybe when he's already over 35. I have no problem with that. Like I said, I am the one who fears the "married life." Actually, I just want to be with him without losing ourselves in the bondage of matrimony. I just want to enjoy things with him.

After last night, I realized, we're not on the same plane. Not being asked if I can be the wife of someone I love is different from hearing the same person say: "I feel so unhappy with you. It's as if we're married even though we're not." That hurts. I should've never allowed myself to be that person to him. I don't wanna be the source of unhappiness of another person; especially of the one I love. Fortunately, I can still go back and re-trace my steps. Without him, of course.

At least, I can still walk-out of his life and not worry about the legal and moral consequences of a break-up.

I'm sure I'll be okay.

Better Days

Someday, I want to be in a place where working on a daily basis is an option. I want to sit on a chair, with back rest much much taller than my head, inside a room with a big glass window on my back, where I can see the clouds whenever I want. I want to reach my office door losing track of how many genuine and fake smiles greeted me that day.

I don't think that people who are already there are as happy as I imagine them to be. They might be aspiring for a higher level of happiness at the very moment. Still, I want an upgrade--just some kind of change.

I've always thought that the loneliest people on earth are those, like myself, who would accept any kind of change just to be somewhere else but their current place.

It's sad that after 10 years, I'm still yearning for the same thing: to be someone else and to be somewhere else. I look back at my life now and realize that nothing much has changed... same thoughts, same worries; only this time, I feel worse.

They say that we must enjoy life for we'll never know when we're leaving this world. They say that we should love the people around us because they won't be there forever. And that's what I'm trying to do. Maybe I didn't try enough. Or maybe I didn't even try. All I can say is I want to be that happy person who loves the people around her. Yet, it is so hard to be happy. Simply hard. I don't know why. Is it because I've done so many bad things in the past? Is it reaping time now? I don't know. Will I ever be forgiven for that? I don't know. I can only hope.

I can go on and on and my laments will never end.

"you can get to no better days, unless you make it through the night"