Dropping By

It's been a while since I was here. Just dropping by to announce that today is my birthday :D

Wow! I missed being here. I had worthy stories to write last Sept. and Aug. --good and bad stories to tell.

Anyway, it's all so different now...if you know what I mean.. But I'm okay :) bye for now!

Happy Weekend!

It's been awhile since I was here.

Well, it's been a busy month and I just came back from a 4-day vacation in Hongkong-- my very first international trip. I'm not happy. I'm ecstatic! I thought Basyang would ruin my overflowing excitement as she was not only here two days before my flight but was also heading Hongkong and was due to land there at the height of my trip! I'm not sure what happened, but I didn't feel her there. There were frequent rains especially during the late afternoons but that was it, nothing close to Ondoy.

So how was my experience? Simply great!

When we landed in Hongkong, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! Chinese people everywhere! I was an instant foreigner since I didn't look and speak local. It felt so good. Hahaha!

I walked everyday I was there. I memorized the routes of the subway and the streets around Hongkong's shopping district. For a highly urbanized and modernized city, I find it amazing how clean the place was! Makes you wanna wish you live there!

Contrary to the claim that English is widely spoken in Hongkong, I found it very difficult to communicate with the locals. Very few people speak English. Some don't even know how to read the English alphabet. When I asked for water, rice and ice, nobody understood me. They gave me spoon and milk instead. :D I didn't shop much because prices are almost, if not the same here in Manila. Some goods are even better here.

And the people?

I don't know if Cantonese were really born/raised that way, but most of those I've encountered, i.e. servers, taxi drivers etc. were very impolite. I think one can only experience an unparalleled hospitality in the Philippines.

I love Hongkong but my heart belongs here. I am so happy I'm home now! :)

Aging

Today, I am saddened by the thought of Tom Hanks and Phil Collins' aging. I think they look like each other and I like them both very much. I don't want them to weaken or die anytime soon. I don't wanna see them age. I want them to look forties all the time.

I admire both of them very much. I don't know if they're good people in real life, I simply like them. As I watched Phil Collins on a youtube video, singing "Against All Odds" in a 1984 concert and then in a 2005 or 2006 concert, I felt a lump in my throat. It was painful to watch him sing full of effort! He is still great but not that great anymore. He has, undeniably, changed!

I don't really understand why I'm feeling down all of a sudden. All I can think is "I don't want this person to wither."

It is really heartbreaking that people never stay where they are. They always have to go some place else. They are not only constantly changing but are also aging. I feel that as I age, I go one step closer to the exit, to the end. I don't feel relieved at all that I am heading towards the sure end of a tiring journey. I just feel more and more isolated from people 'coz I know that when I reach where I'm going, I won't feel them and they won't feel me anymore. Certainly, they will forget that I was once with them and that we were once happy together.

I am a fool to worry about my being a passing thing. I am passing. We all are.

Ang Pasko ni Santa

I know it's weird to talk about Christmas in June. It's just that I am suddenly reminded of my childhood Christmas when, just now, someone recited the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song. It was the theme song of my favorite morning cartoon back in the 90s. I remember, I would watch it while waiting for my school service. I loved that cartoon even if I can't remember the story anymore. All I can recall is Santa Claus with this group of happy children celebrating the holiday season. Oh how I miss being a child!

Anyway, here's the lyrics of Ang Pasko ni Santa:

Sino nga ba s'yang nakasuot pula

Hila ng mga usa

Puti ang balbas nya

Sya'y mataba

Lahat ng bata ay naghihintay sa kanya

Namimigay s'ya ng mga regalo

Tuwing sasapit ang araw ng Pasko

Mula sa araw na ito

Maghihintay kami sayo

Saan ka ba nagmumula

Sana kami doo'y isama mo

Nais namin makita

Kung pano ginagawa

Mga regalong pinamimigay mo

Nais nami'y

Laruan, libro, damit na pamasko!

What a lovely song!

"Inconvenient Truth"

What do most people blog about?

Suddenly, I wonder what about life interests us most. What about it that we find worth-sharing? Is it a recent career move? Death? Recent Trip? Politics? Championship? Gossip? New found Love? Heartbreak? Beauty finds? Spiritual knowledge, discovery or realization? Addiction? Friendship? Family? Anger? Sorrow? Knowledge? Trivia? Myth? Celebrities? Memories? The Unexplained? Planned Change?

Or may be a mix of all.

In my case, I think I created an image of a lone and lonely person. Since i started this "blog" I've talked more about desperate attempts to change, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. I have never written any happy thoughts. Even now, as I'm typing this entry, I cannot find anything positive and happy to share.

I live a semi-solitary life. Maybe, that's the simplest explanation why I seem gloomy here most of the time. The things I share here are my purest and sincerest thoughts. In real life, I have never talked about them to anyone before. This blogging site is the depository of anything heavy to keep inside me.

As much as I want to change the theme today, I can't. Still no happy thoughts to write about. I wonder if there are those who waste their time reading this. I am not a blogger and I am not aspiring to be one. I know that I don't write well, even if I love books. I write not because I have readers; I write 'cause I have none.

Anyway, ever had that feeling when you want and can actually change things and but you simply wont because that change is inconvenient? These are the instances when convenience appeals to us more than the necessity, rightfulness and future benefits of the desired change. I'm into one right now. A number of times, I have resolved to do the right thing for my future. Many times, I have failed to put that resolve in practice. I don't know why I am so stubborn in protecting my future from the threats of today. I know what to do, how to do it, why do it, but I simply fail each attempt to make the necessary things happen. I am so weak. I am too busy to be inconvenienced.

What do you do when you are your own problem and solution and you want to remain unsolved because it's convenient that way?

Weekend

I'm back in Manila after an overnight getaway in Tagaytay. Nothing worth blogging about it actually.

Another week ahead. Honestly, I don't want to make a habit of counting the days before and after weekends. It's not a good practice since I know for a fact that days won't end unless I become a professional bum or dead. I want a motivated life. I want to develop an attitude where I wait and pray for the beginning of the day and not the end of it.

Let's wait and see if I can do that. Tonight, I just want to finish whatever it is that I have to do. And then I'll sleep and hopefully I'll wake-up changed! :)

Wedding Bells

I've never dreamed of getting married, more so, of having my own family. I can't imagine myself (mis)guiding and shaping the life of another person.

I've been in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't consider himself a family guy. He hates children but he thinks he can manage to have his own family soon. Well, not so soon actually. He wants to marry late, maybe when he's already over 35. I have no problem with that. Like I said, I am the one who fears the "married life." Actually, I just want to be with him without losing ourselves in the bondage of matrimony. I just want to enjoy things with him.

After last night, I realized, we're not on the same plane. Not being asked if I can be the wife of someone I love is different from hearing the same person say: "I feel so unhappy with you. It's as if we're married even though we're not." That hurts. I should've never allowed myself to be that person to him. I don't wanna be the source of unhappiness of another person; especially of the one I love. Fortunately, I can still go back and re-trace my steps. Without him, of course.

At least, I can still walk-out of his life and not worry about the legal and moral consequences of a break-up.

I'm sure I'll be okay.

Better Days

Someday, I want to be in a place where working on a daily basis is an option. I want to sit on a chair, with back rest much much taller than my head, inside a room with a big glass window on my back, where I can see the clouds whenever I want. I want to reach my office door losing track of how many genuine and fake smiles greeted me that day.

I don't think that people who are already there are as happy as I imagine them to be. They might be aspiring for a higher level of happiness at the very moment. Still, I want an upgrade--just some kind of change.

I've always thought that the loneliest people on earth are those, like myself, who would accept any kind of change just to be somewhere else but their current place.

It's sad that after 10 years, I'm still yearning for the same thing: to be someone else and to be somewhere else. I look back at my life now and realize that nothing much has changed... same thoughts, same worries; only this time, I feel worse.

They say that we must enjoy life for we'll never know when we're leaving this world. They say that we should love the people around us because they won't be there forever. And that's what I'm trying to do. Maybe I didn't try enough. Or maybe I didn't even try. All I can say is I want to be that happy person who loves the people around her. Yet, it is so hard to be happy. Simply hard. I don't know why. Is it because I've done so many bad things in the past? Is it reaping time now? I don't know. Will I ever be forgiven for that? I don't know. I can only hope.

I can go on and on and my laments will never end.

"you can get to no better days, unless you make it through the night"

Work and Work

Today is not only the first day of June. It is also my first day at work.

While bathing this morning, I thought about the responsibilities my new job would entail. To be honest, I am not at all excited because I have a feeling that I won't be given real responsibilities. Responsibilities with consequences. I don't know if that's a good thing since I've never had any real responsibilities before. All my life I've been assisting and supporting people doing important jobs. I don't know but that somewhat makes me feel small. I, on the other hand, am also nervous of doing tasks bigger than myself. I might not be able to pull it off. I don't want to become a liability to the Project. That is why, I always make sure that no matter how small or easy a task is, I always give it my best.

I hope that the learning curve and adjustment period would be short. Whatever happens here, I have to show them that I am someone they can depend on. I will deliver and deliver best. I might have to do some sacrifices, like minimizing time spent on multiply, facebook and yahoo mail, but that's manageable. I would have to learn how to drink coffee from now on to avoid frequent yawning since the working environment in government offices makes me feel so sleepy. But perhaps, the most difficult thing to overcome is being able to socialize with people and to work with them harmoniously. I am a perfectionist so I easily get disappointed when people makes simple mistakes or when they fail to understand simple things. I guess I really have to improve my people skills and work ethics. I can think of so many other things that will make my life somewhat difficult here.

For today, I was told to work with some people in organizing the filing and tracking system of important documents and materials of the Project. I am ready to do it but the things I need to file are still not on my desk. I am not sure whether to follow up or not. I know it's not so hard to approach them and ask whatever it is that I need. It's just that I am not comfortable doing it.

That's all for now. I'm kind of feeling lazy to end this entry. Going home in a bit! yey!

Untitled for Now

I've been the best that I can be.

If it's still not enough, I will not blame myself anymore for my lack of this and that. Whatever it is that you see wrong in me, I will blame it all on your tackiness and insatiable taste. I will no longer look down and pick up on myself for every flaw that is no other than me.

I sometimes wonder how you always find "inferior" people irresistible. Inferior in the sense that they made and are still making the lamest decisions and choices in life.

I sometimes wonder, why, all these years, I've been competing with those people in an unworthy and unmatched fight.

How ironic that I lose all the time. Isn't it because it's your game and it's you who set the rules? Or maybe, because you are the grand prize?

Sure, I always get the trophy and the medal but, I never win. I am always the winning and whining loser. Always feels like that. Always ends like that.

Now, I am thinking, which is better, to be the official winner or to be the real winner?

I should have never fought at all in the first place. Never again will I make folly of myself.

Please, never again.

The Outliers

Yes, this entry is about Malcolm Gladwell's book "Outliers." But no, this is not a review of the said book. I just started reading it and I've only reached as far as Chapter 2.

Last month, I finished his other book, "The Tipping Point." Since then, I haven't failed to recommend it to anyone who might be interested on its theme. It is a great book, and perhaps, so is Outliers.

Reading Malcolm's books, at least to me, makes people feel great about themselves. He never fails to prove us that it's never too late and never impossible to be the best version of ourselves. Unlike other success stories books, Malcolm goes beyond theories and ideas by citing detailed examples of how real people and occurrences were molded and influenced by these concepts. He made use of the power of research, data gathering and analysis and Statistics. By presenting findings in a way understandable to most people, Malcolm made theories and ideas believable, success and change seemed possible.

I should've taken down notes while reading The Tipping Point because now, I can barely recall the important details of the book. With Outliers, I made it sure to remember every detail by noting down relevant examples and ideas.

Chapter 1 of the book is about Matthew Effect. The following verse from the Holy Bible serves as the fundamental basis of this concept.

"For unto everyone that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance. But from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath."

I'm not sure about the exact chapter and verse in the book of Matthew where that was lifted from. I've heard or read it from somewhere before but I did not realize its meaning until now. Sociologists, according to the book, say that Matthew Effect explains how special opportunities can help a person become an outlier. The paragraph below, culled from Malcom's book, captures the gist of it. I'm not very good at paraphrasing so I just copy-pasted the whole paragraph here.

"It is those who are successful, in other words, who are most likely to be given the kinds of special opportunities that lead to further success. It's the rich who gets the biggest tax breaks. It's the best students who get the best teaching and most attention. And it's the biggest nine and ten year olds who get the most coaching and practice. Success is the result of what sociologists like to call "accumulative advantage." The professional hockey player starts out a little bit better than his peers. And that little difference leads to an opportunity that makes that difference a bit bigger, and that edge in turn lead to another opportunity, which makes the initially small difference bigger still-- and on and on until the hockey player is a genuine outlier. But he didn't start out an outlier. He started out just a little bit better."

Do you get it now? The reason why some people excelled like monsters is because they were given extra opportunities while some we were not.

Don't you think it feels great to know that it is not our fault that we didn't shine like they did? They were simply lucky and we weren't. Period. I wish that success is as simple as that. I wish that we were totally blameless and innocent.

Like I said, I just started Chapter 2 so I don't know what Malcolm's final conclusion would be. There's more to know about success and I can't wait to finish the book.

I believe in Matthew effect. I believe that all of us started life at the same point. Early on, favorable circumstances put us in different places. EACH of us were given opportunities. Some noticed it and took advantage of it, some let it pass while others were totally unaware that it came. SOME of us were given extra special opportunities. FEW of those "some" maximized profit out of that opportunity and were given several more greater opportunities that made them outliers in the end.

You see, it's not about luck alone. To be an outlier, continuous hard work is a must. Opportunities are only good opportunities if you make good use of it. Otherwise, it's no opportunity at all.

We are all (well, most of us) capable of that "hard work" the moment extra special opportunities were offered to us. Unfortunately, extra special opportunities are special in the sense that it's not given to all, not to the majority of us actually. We give up early on the race when we feel that we are not fortunate enough. We simply conclude life is unfair.

Life feels and seems unfair but, it is fair. I've always believed that.

Why are we living this life then if it isn't? We live because we believe that we have an equal chance in this world. A chance we keep on seeking. A lifetime struggle I guess.

If you believe in Matthew Effect like I do, there's no other way but to compensate. Compensate for that denied extra special opportunity. Compensate by believing, hoping and doing extra hard work.

Yes, easier said than done. But what else can we do when giving up is not an option?

On Spending

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like." - Will Rogers

This is sad. I'm guilty on what was said above. It's not my habit to spend unearned money (read as: accumulate debts). I am usually sound and practical when it comes to my purchases. In fact, I seldom shop. Something happened this year that I got so hooked on online shopping, mostly of things I don't really need.

A few weeks ago, I made two big purchases with money I haven't earned. Although I know I can pay it on time, as I'm expecting compensation on some work I've done, I've got no savings to cover me in case of emergencies. Now, I realized that I'm heading towards a serious financial trouble if I don't do something to veer away from this practice.

Last week, I went on a vacation with my family and though I shouldered most of the expenses during our trip, I feel great for it's all worth it. Good memories, like I always say, are priceless. I, however, think that that gives me all the more reason to slow down on spending in the coming weeks.

Here I am again, wishing that pure will can take me where I want to be. As with all aspects of my life that need improvement, I should exert extra effort to make that big change happen.

So (please) help me god.

On Being a Lazybones

I slept all day long and I don't feel good at all. What a wasteful way to spend my weekend!

I thought about my daily i'm-lazy-to-do-it must do's. Things I can't miss doing on a daily basis lest it can get me in a really bad situation. I didn't have to think hard. I already know the things that I hate doing.

On top of my list is peeing. I don't urinate until my bladder can't hold it off anymore. I know it's bad but I can't avoid it. Next is brushing my teeth. I practice good hygiene most of the time but I'm just too lazy to brush my choppers hahaha :) To be honest, I average once or twice a day brushing. Trimming my nails with dull nail cutters gets the third place on my list. The fact that I need to trim 10 finger nails and 10 toe nails makes me think that the job is just too much for me.

Goodness, I hate being lazy.

Untitled for Now

Aaah, those were the days...

I heard it again. Those were the days...

Can't people add something good about it? Why does it always have to be said like that? Unfinished with an air of regret for the present and longing for the past.

I am always delighted when people share good memories. Sadly, most of them end their stories saying "aaah, those were the days."

Why ruin it by implying that today is not as happy as yesterday? Life is not that simple. Some days we're happy, some days we're not. Monday's happiness is different from Thursday's; neither one is better than the other. Accept that fact and get over it!

Good memories are supposed to make us feel good. If it makes us miserable in the present, what good is there in remembering it?

I had my own my shining days. I remember it every now and then, but when it starts to hurt, I would try the best I could to forget it. Why? Because I want it to remain like that, a good memory. I want to get back to it again, hopefully feeling less pain than the last time I thought about it. I want it to inspire me to create more good memories for the future.

Good memories. It has always been a struggle to make it forever fresh and good. But as long as I live, I will never allow it to make me feel miserable.

Recent Addictions

A hardcore addict.

That probably is the most apt term to describe me now. I am struggling from multiple addictions which prevent me from doing serious work.

My recent obsession is traveling to China.

Every night, I dream of the Great Wall and Tiananmen Square. In the morning, I'd look for hotel accommodations in Beijing and Shanghai. On the side, I'm also busy with completing all the requirements for my Chinese Visa. I'm still waiting for my passport though. I am scheduled to appear at the DFA on June 11. Nothing could make me happier now than getting my first passport. I'm having a hard time proving my Filipino citizenship so I've never been outside the Philippines before. I hope it's already August.

Hoarding books has been my lifetime struggle. I order books online and in bookshops and don't read them until after several years. I've always loved jam-packed book shelves. Mine's not so crowded yet and I'm working on that.

Beauty. It drives me crazy. It costs so much money to have a fairer and smoother skin and to lose significant weight. I don't think I need it but I can't bear the discontent when I look into the mirror.

How mundane and petty right? I know I should think about the more important things in life. I hope to get over with these addictions soon and to move on to things that really matter.